Life in Amherst

Happiness

There are moments in life, probably not as often as we'd like, when you realize you are really, truly happy.  These moments are fleeting, and sometimes the moment can pass in an hour, or in a day (or hopefully) can last a little longer than that.  I had one of those moments on Sunday afternoon, and though it really only lasted a couple of hours, it was a perfect happiness where everything in the world seemed right.

We had given Ella the option of staying another week in Hamden and starting school in Amherst after Labor Day, or going up this week, living with Kim, and starting this week.  We were both surprised and delighted when she opted to start school this week, as, for the first time this summer, she has become excited about school again (as would I, after having seen Pelham's playground and meeting the kindergarten teacher).

We decided to pack our bags and head to Amherst on Sunday morning so we could get Ella settled in for school.  The plan was for Ella to stay with Kim at a friend's house for the week (no dingy apartment for Ella!), attend school for the week, and then head back to Hamden on Friday afternoon so we could pack up some of the house and have us all move to Amherst on Sunday (of Labor Day weekend).  Since Maisie's school doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day, we figured Maisie and I would stay in Hamden for another week while Ella and Kim got started in Amherst.

Our first stop after arriving in Amherst around noon or so was our friends' Meg and Sheila's daughter's birthday party.  Meg and Sheila are old friends from New Haven (spanning nearly 10 years back) who relocated to San Francisco shortly after adopting Banti (their daughter) in 2003 (just days before I gave birth to Ella).  Sheila just got a faculty position at Amherst this summer, so their entire family (along with little sister, Ruta, who is Ella's age) relocated to Amherst a few weeks ago.  This is the first time our girls have met, but given how excited we are to spend time with Meg and Sheila, we figured it was good for our girls to get to know each other.

Here's Ella and Banti together:

Our next stop was our home away from home in Amherst, the Holiday Inn Express.  Its actually a great hotel, with a nice pool and hot tub and a free breakfast in the morning, so our girls think they have died and gone to heaven every time we stay there with them.  As it turns out, the daughter of the manager of the HI Express is in Ella's kindergarten in Pelham!

While Kim and Ella splashed around with the girls, I got to go out for a nice trail run on my new favorite trail, which traverses the Holyoke Range in Hadley and Amherst.  Its a challenging trail, but the payoff is that you climb to the top of a small mountain and are rewarded with a gorgeous view of the valley. To get to the trailhead, you get to drive through some of the most gorgeous farmland I've ever seen (remember, I'm a sucker for farmland, and love the smell of cow manure).  This is all in Hadley (bordering Amherst).

After my running adventure and their swimming adventure, we headed to downtown Amherst for dinner.  Its a wonderful college town that's got a lot of charm, and its also very kid-friendly, so you never feel funny about being at a restaurant with boisterous children (as mine tend to be).  Ella got a hold of my camera and actually took some nice pictures of Kim, Maisie, and me (and that giant margarita in the foreground in Kim's, who needed it desperately after an hour and a half of swimming with the girls while I was frolicking on the trails):

To top the evening off, we decided to take the girls out to a wonderful little working dairy/creamery we discovered in Hadley, called Cook Farm.  Its a great place because kids are free to explore the farm and meet the dairy cows, chickens, cats, etc that live on the farm and then eat ice cream from said dairy cows afterwards.  I have this ridiculous love of cows (and hence my refusal to eat beef) so I spent most of my time petting a little calf I fell in love with (picture below). 

Maisie found her own favorite calf:

And of course we played and ate lots of ice cream:

I love the late afternoon sunset on Ella in this picture:

Mischief, as usual:

Eventually we had to drive back to our home away from home, but we caught an extraordinary afterglow from the sunset on the way.

The magical afternoon finally came to an end, and we tucked ourselves into our HI Express beds.  Ella got up and marched off to school this morning with Kim, while Maisie and I headed back to Hamden for our last few days of living at 4 Frazier Road.  I did get one nice picture with Ella before her first day in Kindergarten in Pelham:

Kim reports that Ella's first day of school was great.  There were a few tears at drop-off, as expected, but Ella came home from school happy and chatting about her new friends (whose names she can't remember, of course).  I think all is well up there, though I must admit its hard for me not to be there this week as Ella starts school.

The hard part of moving (the physical stuff) will be this weekend, but hopefully we will be done moving a majority of the essentials by Sunday evening.  A UMass moving company is coming later in September (hopefully not too much later) to pack up and move the rest of the house, so we're just renting a UHaul this weekend to get our beds, counches, clothes, cooking stuff, and a few other essentials up there.  I think our new rental house will be wonderful, and our landlord (now a professor at Princeton) has been nothing but remarkable and generous in terms of acquainting us with the area.

I have to end by saying that one of the reasons I feel so happy is that already, in our extremely short time there, we have been made to feel more welcome (and we haven't even moved in yet), than we felt the whole 2+years we have lived in our current home.  As I mentioned many times earlier, we have been living on a small cul-de-sac the entire time, with neighbors in close proximity, and yet because we are two women living together (I'm guessing) nobody has ever welcomed us or knows anything about us.  There is still one neighbor just two doors down that has so much as waved at us, and she's got two daughters our girls' age. 

And yet, here we are in a new town, and it feels like people have shown us more generosity and kindness than we've seen here in years.  Between the welcoming school community, reuniting with our old friends and already developing solid friendships with new folks, and people just generally being nice when you pass them on the street (strangers say hello!), it feels like some sort of wonderful mecca for nice people.  I'm sure the bubble will burst some day and then I'll think we're back to the mean old world, but for now, it feels like heaven.

We're moving to Amherst!

Its been a long couple of days and I'm exhausted, but the great/exciting news is that we've accepted an offer on our house and we're moving to Amherst!  And, not only moving, but moving in a week (over Labor Day weekend).  Its all crazy.  I was pretty much undecided until the last possible moment, and had found various ways to delay signing the contract (including lies regarding the whereabouts of Kim as the third signer of the contract).  I went back and forth nearly every hour as to whether we should stay or go.  The smallest (and silliest) possible things changed my mind.  If it was sunny outside, I'd think "oh, its so sunny.  I bet Amherst is sunny.  We should move there".  Conversely, if the house was feeling particularly comfortable, I'd say "Oh, I love our house and I'd hate to have to move all this stuff somewhere else".  I would go back and forth every hour, on the hour.

Once we got the offer on our house (after a terrible weekend of price battles between us and the potential buyers), we finally got a reasonable offer on Monday night, and I decided to do two conflicting things:  visit the private school in New Haven (with Ella and Maisie) I had mentioned on Tuesday, and take Ella up to Amherst on Wednesday to visit the school there.   The private school visit on Tuesday went well--I really liked the staff at the school and thought Ella would do well there (and Maisie).  However, I couldn't get past the fact that the school was more or less located under a major interstate in New Haven (I95) and that the only playground the school had was across the street from the school and there were drunk and homeless people lying on the park benches around the playground.  The school itself was extremely small (the building itself) and on more than one occasion the entire building shook as a police car drove by with its sirens blasting.  It just didn't seem to be what I was looking for in terms of what I want for my kids, though I loved the teachers and staff there.

In sharp, sharp contrast, the moment we pulled into the school in Amherst (actually, its a small town next to Amherst called Pelham), Ella was in heaven.  They have an enormous playground surrounded by a big green, grassy field.  The school itself has a relatively small population (around 125 kids in the entire school) and there is only one class per grade (each class has about 16 students and TWO teachers!).  I've never seen Ella so delighted by a playground (and, yes, playgrounds do mean a lot to kids).  Kim and I had set up a meeting with the principal and kindergarten teacher to learn more about the school and decide whether Ella should be in kindergarten or 1st grade (the cutoff for kindergarten is that the child has to be 5 by September 1st, so this is the first year she would technically be eligible for kindergarten in Massachusetts).  After a talk, we all decided to give Ella 'the gift' of another year of kindergarten (their words, not mine).  Kim and I were fine with this, as the kindergarten teacher is quite dynamic and is a 25-year veteran of teaching kindergarten at this school, so we figured she knew what she was talking about (and the principal has been there that long, too). 

Ella seemed fine(ish) with the idea of repeating kindergarten, though I did notice she got her hackles up if somebody (accidentally) said "So you're going to do kindergarten again!" (not the right thing to say, in case you are somebody who happens to see her).  Kim and I have framed it as though this school doesn't let kids go into 1st grade unless they are already six (which is technically true) and Ella is fine with this.

Though the meeting with the principal and kindergarten teacher, as well as Ella's enthusiasm for the school, had pretty much sold me on the idea of moving, what really nailed it for me was the all-school picnic we attended after our meeting with the teacher.  We came about 30 minutes after the picnic had started, and walked around shyly for about 5 minutes, as we didn't know anybody and were trying to pick out other potential kindergarteners to introduce Ella to.  We must have looked like newbies, as a woman named Amy introduced herself to us, and within about 30 minutes, she had taken it upon herself to introduce Kim and I to every other gay and lesbian parent in the school (there must have been at least 10 other parents).  She also introduced us to seemingly everybody else in the school, as well as the entire membership of the Parent Teacher Organization, and nearly every teacher.  I didn't see Kim for nearly 45 minutes as Amy was introducing Kim to parents, and then when Kim got talking to a particular parent, she'd take me in the other direction and introduce me to a different set of parents.   It was unbelievable...I've never felt so welcomed anywhere my whole life.  It was exhausting, but wonderful.

After the picnic, we asked Ella whether she would prefer to stay or move, and she felt pretty strongly about moving, as did we, so we decided to take the leap and do it!  I took Ella back to the school this morning for kindergarten orientation with her other classmates and she had a good time, though she was a bit more shy today than she was at the picnic yesterday.  Though school officially starts for kindergarteners on Monday, we've decided not to rush things for her, and we'll all plan on moving up (at least some of our stuff) over Labor Day weekend and then Ella can starts school the Tuesday after Labor Day.  Or, at least I thought this was the plan until after orientation today, when Ella said she wanted to start school on Monday with the rest of the kids (this from the child who has been dreading going back to school).  I think we'll wait and see how she is feeling later this weekend, and then figure it all out on Sunday.

We also got a chance to see the house we'll be renting for the next year.  Its a big, giant house (I think over 3000 square feet), and its owned by a woman who was a professor at Amherst College but took a faculty job at Princeton just a few weeks ago.  I think it was built in the early 1900's.  It reminds me of the house featured in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, with all kinds of magical hiding places for children.  Its not a perfect house, but given we really can't buy a house right now, it will be fine for the academic year.  She is giving us a lease until the end of June, so that will give us a chance to get the lay of the land and figure out where we'd like to buy.  Best of all, its in a beautiful location and has hiking trails surrounding the house and a (old) playscape for the kids (and is pet-friendly), so I think it will be a great place for us for the next year.

But, one of the best things about moving to Amherst is that we feel that we are already starting to build some pretty good friendships there, and renew some old ones, too.  Our good friends Meg and Sheila, and their two daughters, just moved to Amherst from California about 3 weeks ago, and it will be great to be reunited with them.  We've also made some new friends with kids (Jane, Kathy, and their kids) and some nice friends without kids, too (the women's basketball coach at UMAss and her partner, Cookie, are really tremendous women).  This all makes the transition so much easier.  We're also closer to my parents, and (selfish me) surrounded by miles and miles of trails for trail running.

Not all is perfectly rosy.  We're leaving the girls' father, Howie, behind in New Haven, and I think we all know that we need to make a strong commitment to the girls to have regular weekend and weekly visits, both in Amherst and in New Haven, with him.  We are also going to leave behind our dear nanny, Amy.  We all adore her beyond words, and it makes me a little sick (and extremely sad) to think of how sad the girls will be without her (and it also makes me wonder if we can ever find another babysitter who will tolerate Maisie as much as Amy has).  Finally, I'm really going to have to be disciplined with myself to work at home on the days I'm in Amherst.  My plan is to work at home 3 days/week and drive to Yale 2 days/week, though this can obviously be modified in either direction depending on the week.  I'm going to have to be strict with myself in that once the kids are out the door to school, I work straight until school is out for both of them at 3:00.  I'm pretty sure I can do it, and even be successful, but I'm sure it will take some adjustment.

So, that's that.  What was supposed to be a short post has dragged on and on.  But, its a big time for us...exciting, a little sad, but really something we've been wanting for some time now.

Ella's first day at school (I should have brought my real camera instead of my iPhone):

Our rental house in Pelham:

A Day of Big Decisions

I'd like to think that I'm a good decision-maker, in terms of weighing costs and benefits, and trying to really think through issues before making a decision.  I think I do this fairly well, though the part about my decision-making I've never been wild about is though I think I weigh things carefully, I'm often not firm in my decision.  I will decide one thing, and then be swayed by something else that happens, and then change my mind. The overall process is good, but the 'final answer' will often change depending on new information I get.

I/we are in a similar situation now.  Just when we were about to take our house off the market and stay put in New Haven for another year, we received an offer on our house.  It wasn't a great offer to start off with, but after working with the potential buyers for the better part of the weekend, it came to be a mostly reasonable offer (except for a time late Sunday night when they made a completely unreasonable request and we walked away from the deal-making process).

This all sounds fabulous, and exactly what we have been waiting for, and it is.  Except for two major things:  1) school starts this week up in Amherst (actually, orientation is this week and school starts Monday), and 2) we have begun visits to a private school in New Haven we like for both girls (we changed our minds about Foote and now are focusing on Cold Spring (www.coldspringschool.org).  In fact, both girls have an interview there today.  It would be nice to have both girls in one school, and in this system, they have a combined K/1 program, so Ella would spend two years in that grade (and technically repeat kindergarten, which is probably a good thing).  However, the school isn't perfect:  its a rather small building with no gym and it doesn't have its own playground, except for the park across the street.  And, its not extremely convenient for us in terms of location.  Perhaps most importantly, I fear that though I could afford it this year, I don't think I could afford it in upcoming years.  Combined, it would cost about $30,000 to send both kids there for one year.  But, its an excellent school and I think Ella would do well there academically.

Ultimately, our goal is to move to Amherst so that we can all be together, and I need to keep that in mind.  Amherst is a wonderful community, and both Kim and I think the kids would really prosper there.  It reminds both Kim and I of the places we grew up (Texas and Montana).  Its very much a farming community in some ways, and we would really live the kind of life that we want to live, based in spending a lot of time outdoors and living in a community where people are generally a bit more accepting of gay and lesbian families.  I don't feel NOT accepted in my workplace or in greater New Haven, but we still feel like total outsiders in our little neighborhood, and I am still amazed (though perhaps less shocked) that none of our neighbors really speak to us and that people drive by on our small cul-de-sac and don't wave or say hello.  I guess that saddest part is that we have gotten used to it and it doesn't really bother us anymore, but on the other hand, I don't think its the way we want to live our lives.

So, ironically, we make a visit to Cold Spring around noon, and we need to make a final decision about the housing contract by the end of the day.  At this point, I guess it could go either way, though the more I think about things, the more I think I'm leaning towards Amherst, primarily because I think its important for our family to be together, and if we don't take this opportunity now, we'll not all live together for another year, as we'd take the house off the market and just complete the school year here.  But, I'm also open to having a good look at Cold Spring, and if Ella is really taken by the school and the teachers, then I think that will be instructive as well.

Its a big day, certainly.  Wish us luck, and pray that we make the right decision.

Long Overdue Update

I've been away from the blog so long its likely that I don't have any readers left!  But, for those two or three of you that still check on occasion for updates, here they are.

• We've had a great summer, and its hard to believe that its (officially) coming to an end next week with Ella going back to school.
• We just returned early this week from our trip out to Montana for our family reunion.   Over 30 people from my mom's side of the family got together near Flathead Lake at my cousin's house.  She and her husband own a beautiful piece of property on the Flathead River, and they planned three days of delicious food, activities, and family fun (including a helicopter that landed at their house and took us all out on helicopter rides around the Flathead Valley).  The girls had a wonderful time getting to know their cousins and aunts and uncles a bit better, and I really enjoyed being able to see everybody again, too.  Lots of pictures from that time below.
• Our beloved nanny, Amy, finally returned after a month in Massachusetts working at a camp.  The girls had missed her terribly, and I am always delighted about how much they love her and the positive influence she has in their life. 
• I don't think I can emphasize enough how much Ella has enjoyed her summer camp.  In many ways she has grown up enormously over the summer and now really seems like a school-aged girl.  She has become a tremendous swimmer and has adopted various mannerism of her college-aged and high school camp counselors (all good mannerisms, but funny).  She walks around singing pop songs I've never heard of, and has all kinds of tart phrases and sayings she uses now (like when I ask her something that's apparently obvious to her, she responds with something like (with irritation in her voice) "mom, yaaahaa").  Its quite endearing, actually.  We have our last parent's day coming up on Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to that.
• Because she has enjoyed camp so much, she is not at all looking forward to going back to school.  She reports that camp is extremely fun and school is equally boring, and that she doesn't get to do anything fun in school.  This is not so far from the truth, actually.  I can see how she feels, but have been trying to explain this is what happens when you hit the big time of being a school-age kid.  I'm also quite sure that it has a lot to do with her anxiety about going back to school and having to do things (i.e. reading) that she is not entirely comfortable with.
• Along the school lines, we have been thinking this summer about the possibility of holding her back a year and having her repeat kindergarten.  Not because we think she is dumb, but rather because we wonder if she doesn't need another year to boost some self-confidence.  Also, we don't necessarily want her to struggle the entire year and feel like she is just getting concepts that other kids have gotten for awhile.  I talked to her principal at West Woods about the idea, who thought Ella was fine and should move onto first grade.  I think the biggest argument against holding her back is the stigma of repeating kindergarten when the other kids are moving on to first grade.  I don't think it would be a good idea to hold her back in the school she's currently in for this reason.
• Still along these lines, I called up two of the best private schools in New Haven the other day to see if, by chance, they happened to have any slots available in their kindergarten class for this academic year.  Normally it would be laughable to call these schools this time of year and inquire about a slot, but given the tough economic times, both of them had space in their kindergarten.  One of the schools is more convenient and better known to us than the other (www.footeschool.org).  I had a long talk with the admissions woman and she encouraged us to come in and look around the school, and to bring Ella in so they could talk to her.  The advantages of this school are that, since its a private school, they don't let kids start kindergarten until they are five (so Ella would be one of the older ones), and that many of the kids have already completed a year of kindergarten in public schools, so her abilities would be on par with many of the kids in her class.  Its also a tremendous program, with a much greater attention to the arts (which she loves), smaller class size, and more teachers in the classroom (I think that part of the problem in kindergarten last year was that there was one teacher with 20 student, and no aides to help out).  There are two obvious disadvantages:  one is the cost and the other is the quick turnaround for a decision (public school starts next Thursday and our visit to Foote is the Tuesday before the Thursday).  Much to consider.
• The other big thing on our plates in our house.  We had absolutely NO activity on our house for the better part of 4 months, and now, all of a sudden, we have people come to look at our house at least once, if not twice or three times, each week.  Nothing has turned into an offer yet, and the whole thing is leaving me feel a little unsettled.
• I am also finished teaching my health policy class at Yale next week.  The class has been really great, and I've enjoyed the students.  There's really been no better time to teach a health policy class than this summer, especially with all the health reform debates going on in DC.  However, I've got a tremendous amount of grading to do in the next week, and I think grades are due early next week.

Some photos from our trip to Montana:

Ella and Maisie in our hotel room.

 Ella learned to shoot a bow and arrow (in a dress, of course):

 

Grandma and Maisie looking for grasshoppers

Four generations of Verslands

 

Kim and dad by the campfire

 

Kim in Montana (does not like photos)

 

Maisie thinking about what to eat next

The helicopter landing at my cousin's house!

 

Ella in helicopter from outside

 

Ella in helicopter from inside

 

Ella in mountains of Montana

Maisie and her best friend Chad (notice the similarity in hat wearing)

Ella, Maisie and Chad on the last day